I spent the evening last night with a group of women gathered around wine, appetizers, and good conversation.
6 out of 7 of us had recently ended our relationships. The 7th one was in serious consideration of following suit.
Once the early chit chat was over, I asked one woman, “how much of the time in relationship were you actually happy?” Turns out she was happy 30% of the time. I asked, “why did you stay?”
The table got silent as each of us realized we had stayed in our relationships far longer than we knew to be healthy. Why do we do this? This particular group didn’t have children and were financially independent. No one at this table had to stay in relationship for the sake of the children.
So why as adult women do we try to force something that just isn’t working? And by forcing something, do we cheat our men out of the growth they need? Do we cheat ourselves out of a real and healthy relationship?
I wondered myself after recently ending a relationship that was more difficult than satisfying, “why did I ignore obvious signs early on that I wasn’t happy?”
Women are raised to be caretakers and pleasers. We have an inherent “nurture reflex”. We’re outwardly focused on others vs. inwardly focused on ourselves. If we put ourselves first, we’re labeled selfish. So… we’re not raised to check in and see what we are truly feeling and wanting. I was told as a child that “this is how it’s going to be because I said so..” It wasn’t until I became a teenager that I started to push back. Only then, my pushing back was not about speaking my truth, it was about rebellion and screaming NO to my mother. Young girls weren’t taught to recognize what they were really feeling inside. It became about fitting in, making the boys like us, and surviving life as girls at home without many choices. It’s a rare woman that was taught healthy boundaries as a child. I’m not talking about the boundaries of don’t touch me, I’m talking about emotional boundaries. What do I really feel? What do I really want?
As an adult woman I’m just now learning to recognize that feeling in my body of tightness when I’m not being heard. That feeling in the pit of my stomach when I’m lonely and find myself in relationship with a man that isn’t truly present. The dull headache from trying to make something work that just doesn’t. We ignore the signs and we don’t speak up.
We’re not in touch with our “no” buttons.
When we truly know what we don’t want, we know what we do want. If we ignore when our deepest needs aren’t being met, we become angry and finger pointing. We hope to change the other person and stay in it far longer than what’s healthy. We decide to change the other person because we’re taught to be outwardly focused. If we were inwardly focused, we would recognize when our hearts aren’t being met, and we would make decisions from that place of power.
I know these women around the table. They aren’t insecure women afraid to be alone. They are wildly passionate, successful in their own right, women with big open hearts that want to love and share their life with a man. These are not man bashing or needy women.
I’m convinced that we stay in unhappy relationships when we’re not in touch with our own authentic”no” button. When we know what our boundaries are, and know what we truly want, we will recognize when someone isn’t meeting us early on…. and when we’re that in touch with our true selves, our true voices, and our true knowings, we are clear enough to recognize a good man when he comes along.
And believe me: there are plenty of good men out there!
xo
Images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Wits End by Now and Zen photography, Family Shot by Healing Dream, Heart by Dynamite Imagery, Man by Graur Razvan Ionutgraur, Angry Woman by Djcodrin