Death through Drama.

A week ago I found a large lump on my thyroid.

Someone had pointed out a swelling on my neck a few weeks prior; but because I couldn’t see it myself, I ignored their observation.

Last week during a facial, I was handed a mirror as my esthetician pointed out the now obvious lump.

Time stood still as I saw the protrusion on the right side of my neck.  I immediately vacillated between denial and fear, letting every possible scenario run through my head.  I’d always been healthy; in fact I’ve taken my health for granted feeling fearless and indestructible.  I’m an athlete.  I eat right and come from a healthy family outside of the few smokers that cheated themselves out of a long life. This couldn’t possibly be happening to me.
I thought the same thought that every cancer patient probably thinks; this happens to other people.

The next day my very calm doctor ordered a blood test to rule out cancer, autoimmune diseases, and thyroid issues.
I was anything but calm.

I’ve now spent a week thinking about the obvious worst case scenario.  I’ve realized that I haven’t followed through on the dreams I held close in my heart since childhood.  I’ve settled into the routine of making a living and dealing with life’s dramas around me.  I’ve stayed in a relationship that has been broken and has drained me of a lot of energy.  (It takes two to tango and there is no blame meant here, but the reality is I have not been happy and I’ve ignored it.)  I’ve even put things off until a distant tomorrow assuming that I have years to accomplish the things I long to do.

Now, over the last week….. I’ve been forced to realize those assumptions may not be true.

My father died at 48 from inhaling too many cigarettes in his life.  I used to joke as a kid that I would die young, burning out like a bright flame at the age of 44.

This year I turned 45.

Even though I’m the one usually spouting off about positive thinking, the power of our thoughts, manifesting goodness in our lives, and creating the life you want; I had to face the obvious fact that I’ve fallen down myself in those areas over the last few years.

I went through a very stressful time a few years ago and in that time, a part of me closed down and went into survival mode.  I think this is something we all experience in our short time here.  Life throws us something to deal with and then we go into that natural mode of action and reaction.  Our adrenals kick in with adrenaline and our bodies grow accustom to the fight or flight mode.  Even when the drama passes, if it’s been scary enough, we forget to turn that switch off and relax again.  New patterns are created in stress mode,  and it’s easy to forget our true rhythm of peace.

I believe after a few dramas in life, we forget that we’re meant to be happy.  We’re not designed to go from one stress to another…… expecting another shoe to drop and yet, we all do it.  We forget our 20s and our dreams.  We focus on making a living and handling life’s drama.  I forgot to have fun everyday as I became too distracted and busy.  I chose not to go to yoga on a regular basis, not to do my morning meditation, and forgot to make time for myself and relish the day.

I look back on the last 4 years and realize that I’ve never allowed my adrenals to switch back off.  I’ve lost my natural rhythm and I’ve accepted situations in my life that required too much work.  I’ve been that stubborn bull that keeps ramming it’s horns against a closed gate.  I forgot that I could stop, turn around, and see the green vista’s of expansive possibilities behind me.

So now I sit with my life in front of me.  I realize that the Dream Bio I wrote about a few weeks ago should actually be given some serious consideration.  I look over my relationships and am deciding which of these bring me joy.  My way of making a living is being considered and the amount of time I spend having fun, laughing and really enjoying the moment are being evaluated.

There is a cruiser bike ride tomorrow night with a Christmas in July theme.  I really need to do my laundry, grocery shop and catch up on my writing.  Will I be out there pedaling with the other crazy characters dressed in Christmas gear?
You bet your sweet thyroid I will.

xo

All images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

Couple on bike by Healing Dream, Medical Vials by Salvatore Vuono, Bull Sign by Simon Howden, Forest by Dan, Motocross by Akel O’dell, Neck by Enfyli Tsavdari, Man hole by Bill Longshaw, Yoga by Frederico Stevanin.