Doug Zimmerman

Doug Zimmerman

On Posted on by Doug Zimmerman to Blog

Let’s Talk About Sex!

How nice to know that I have your attention now!

I recently rented the movie Sex in the City part 2 with a good friend.
The movie wasn’t just about fashion and fabulous shoes, it was about the power of friendship, love, and truth.  There was of course sexy themes and jokes, bantering amongst women, and the usual Sex in the City stories….but there was something else that really resonated within me.  The power of the true feminine voice, not screaming hysteria.

I want to talk about sex and the power of a woman’s authentic voice.  Recently I ended my relationship.  There had been lots of fighting, angry hurtful words and honestly; no one was having sex here.

I’d like to first dispel the myth that women don’t really want to have sex as much as men.  In case you’re living back in 1947, let me remind you that women were gifted 50,000 nerve endings “down there” for no reason other than pleasure.  The only additional animal on the planet that has a body part for no actual biological function other than pleasure is the house cat.  The cat’s “purr box” is for comfort; period.  Women are pleasure seeking animals.  We seek comfort, warmth and affection.  Good sex contains all 3 of those attributes.

If a woman is treated correctly…she will tug at your half of the sheets more than you can possibly imagine.  Treat her well, speak to her kindly, pay attention to her when she speaks to you, and she will open to you like a time elapsed photo of a tulip greeting the sun.  Speak harshly to her, make her wrong, don’t listen to her when she speaks, demand sex from her as some sort of obligation, and you will find sand in her panties when you pull them off.

Touch us with kindness and authenticity and you will flood our brains with hormones that stimulate our bodies to flush and swell.  Look at us with love in your eyes and watch our pupils dilate with anticipation.  Speak words of kindness to a woman and her heart will energetically open to connect with yours in a way that will bring tears to your eyes.  Make her feel safe and honored and she will be yours for the wanting.

A women’s brain processes, as science has proven, differently than a man’s brain.  In an instant we can sense, process and feel a multitude of emotions.  We sense the unspoken, feel the emotions of those around us,  and because we’re built to naturally nurture, we seek to please.  It takes a tremendous amount of pain for a woman to finally shut down sexually from fear and sadness.  We’re built to love.  We’re built with a strength that allows us to feel the pain of childbirth and keep on conceiving again and again, regardless of knowing the pain that awaits us.  We’re tough as nails and we’re fiercely loyal in love.  We feel more simultaneously then what a man feels because chemically, in our brains, we’re programmed that way.  Someone knew what they were doing when they designed our half of the species.  There’s nothing wrong with men because they aren’t built this way, we’re just different.  If men felt like women, hundreds of years ago no one would have been protected in the village and there wouldn’t have been food on the table!  We’re different and thank goodness!

But the idea today that women are expected to have sex regardless of how they’re being treated is archaic.  Men often wonder why the passionate woman they once met is suddenly gone! I’m sure they wonder; what happened to her?
Nothing changed in our psyche, we’re still that passionate woman on the inside; but perhaps we’ve allowed poor behavior and poor manners to sneak up on us.  Perhaps day by day we kept our mouths shut and didn’t call the one we love out and say, uh uh….no way…..you can’t say that to me.  You can’t speak that way to me.  You can’t treat me that way.  Perhaps it’s our fault for accepting behavior that hurt and pretended that it didn’t.  How many times have you kept your mouth shut to keep the peace?  Every Time you do that, you might as well tie a string around your waist and pull it tight.  One day you’ll wake up and realize that you can’t feel yourself from the waist down anymore.  And your partner wonders where did your sex drive go??  You know…you cut it off yourself.  You weren’t the woman you know you are, and you didn’t speak up and say “no more, you will not speak to me like this”.

I say right now that we stand and speak our truth. The men that we love, and love us, deserve this. We can’t keep pointing our fingers at men and blame them if we don’t use our voice and speak up for what we want….and most importantly, what we don’t want and won’t accept.

I’m not sure when there will be sex happening here again.  I probably won’t clue you in. 🙂  But I will say that I won’t have sex with someone that yells at me or speaks harshly to me.  Most importantly; I need to consider why I kept silent so long.  Why didn’t I speak up and why did I allow such poor behavior to manifest and go unchecked?  I am as much to blame as my partner.  Really, if we as women are as strong as we know we are, then isn’t it our responsibility to draw the line in the sand and say “nope, you’re not going to act like that and share my heart, my body and my bed.  I love you.  Let me show you how I expect to be treated”Sex is not a tool for negotiation.  It’s not a weapon to be used to get what you want.  It’s an act of love between two people.  If two people can’t act lovingly toward one another, than it’s up to the strong one to say, no; I love you, I want you, but I won’t be treated like that and disconnect from my heart and body to please you.

When two people come together in love and mutual respect, the fire that ignites can burn those sheets to ashes and you really won’t care who’s going to clean up the mess in the morning.


xo

Images Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.  Sand by Paul, Cat by Dan, Land by Arvind Balaraman, Fire by Filomena Scalise, Stiletto by Boaz Yiftach, Couple by Graur Codrin, Male/Female symbol Jscreationzs.