Love isn’t finding a perfect person. It’s seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
~ Sam Keen
It will be no surprise to you that recently my relationship has gone through some rocky terrain.
We hit a point where our old ways just didn’t work anymore.
He couldn’t find the fun, happy, easy, affectionate woman he once met, and I was completely shut down feeling “unheard” and made wrong. We had reached a standstill of fighting. I wanted to express my thoughts and be heard, he wanted to defend and get back to fun and affection. He felt I just couldn’t let anything go and I felt that the little things were killing us. I raised my voice louder and louder to be heard, he shut down and numbed out.
I’m writing about this because we reached the classic Feminine and Masculine out-of-balance dance. I was the classic out-of-balance screaming woman. He was the classic out-of-balance man trying to silence me. How many times throughout history have the feminine and masculine danced this dance?There was a time recently when I stood up to leave the room and felt as though I was defending all woman when I said in my most dramatic voice; “I will not be silenced. You will hear me and if you don’t, I will leave you.”
In his most dramatic out of balance masculine voice, he claimed “I will not be questioned by a woman,; trust me or don’t.”
I laugh NOW, but in that moment, it was intense!
After a very long session with a relationship coach….we reached a healing that neither of us thought possible, yet both secretly hoped for… And yet, like most things that are true; it was so simple.
In my mind it came down to this: Women want to be heard. Men can’t hear us when we’re emotional without facts.Men want to be trusted and have affection.
Women can’t trust or be affectionate unless they are heard.
In my mind it came down to this: Women want to be heard. Men can’t hear us when we’re emotional without facts.Men want to be trusted and have affection.
Women can’t trust or be affectionate unless they are heard.
Here is what she had us do, and I don’t suggest doing this without someone holding space and keeping it fair. (There is no interrupting the other person.)
We took turns speaking. One person spoke while the other listened. (and by listened, I mean without interruption, loud sighing, rolling eyes or facial expressions). You simply listen and listen hard because you’re going to repeat it back.
One person states the facts… FACTS; not emotions, not how you felt, not what you made it mean, but the FACTS.
Then the other repeats them. Next you confirm they got the facts correctly. If not, you start over.
Then, you state how those facts made you feel, what you made it mean, the story you wrote around it. All the emotional dumping.
Then it’s repeated it back to you.
It’s important to keep the 2 (facts and emotional aspect) completely separate. You state the facts, they repeat it, then you state the emotional stuff. They repeat it.
You do this on a single subject until you’re 100% clear because once you’re done, there is no going back.
Next, you ask for what you want. You make a request. They repeat this back to you.
Finally, they answer your request. They tell you if they can agree to that request. If they can’t, you negotiate. For us, often the initial answer was no….then through that negotiation, we really saw that we communicate differently. Once we were able to clarify a few things, we were able to agree on something we both felt good about. Because you’re still in process, even through this negotiation; you repeat back what the other person says.
Finally, issue by issue, it’s done.
And it’s really done. We felt 100% complete on what we discussed. We each felt 100% heard and 100% understood.
Four steps.
It un-did all the damage we had done to one another, all the hurt, all the pain, and all of the emotional shut down. It was a miracle. Granting forgiveness isn’t necessary after this work. It arrives on it’s own 100% naturally. We heard one another. We understood one another. We didn’t have to agree with the other person, we just had to hear them, repeat to them what they shared, and then agree or negotiate their request. It was the most transformational thing I have ever experienced.
David Deida writes of this in many of his books. Women will give you the world if you can be a solid man that can hold space and stand in the fire, hear their thoughts and feelings and don’t defend in the face of them. (doesn’t mean you agree!, just listen)Men will give us the world when we learn to balance our screaming feminine and stop shutting down. I am convinced that women shut down if they can’t be heard. This out of balance way we as women swing our swords out of frustration just makes the situation worse and we’re little girls giving our power away.Staying in our center, speaking clearly and not doing that hysterical female screaming we’ve learned from our mother’s; is the most powerful way to be heard. Don’t get me wrong…there is heat and anger…but when you’re in your center, speaking for what you want after the process….there is great strength and power present. True power.
For me, the hardest part of this exercise was stating my request. Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted as I was just so relieved to be heard…. And yet, this was a key lesson for me. How can my guy give me what I need if I can’t speak in clear articulate language? We need to say the four magic words: “I Want You To……”
Men suffer when we speak emotionally without facts and without requests. They don’t understand and interpret facial expressions, voice inflections and double speak meanings (“i’m fine!) like our female friends. They want to please us, want to be our heroes, and when we speak in a way that confuses them, they often go to shame and failure in their minds.For him, the hardest part of the exercise was stating the facts. He got to see how he takes my words and actions and writes stories about their meaning. Basically making something mean something in his own mind.For him, there was great freedom in learning that he doesn’t have to agree with me to listen and repeat back. There is plenty of time for clarification and negotiation. But for a woman, to be heard is the ultimate key for opening our hearts. And as far as men are concerned, they are thrilled to realize the rest of our body parts follow suit naturally.
If you don’t believe that it works….let me tell you that I had one angry shut down man on my hands and he had one upset out of balance shut down woman. I won’t share everything, but this is what my guy wrote to me a day after our session:
“Thank you for being relentless in your desire to have better communication and make me realize that you were not being heard and showing me how I was unconsciously yet skillfully, avoiding the feelings, concerns and clearings you tried to bring to me. I didn’t know all the ways I was taking things personally, shutting you and your feelings down like I was. Thanks to you, that David Deida book and Sujana, I have a new way of understanding the importance of your being fully heard. What a gift it is to both of us when you are able to express fully without being interrupted or interfered with (and I thought you were just being negative and somehow sabotaging our days in the past : ) ……we were doomed if that continued).”
After that, I don’t think there’s anything else to say..
xo
xo
(Sujana’s work is amazing. If anyone wants her number, let me know! She does workshops and phone work.)
Image Courtesy of Random Acts Stock.
Wow, I'm sharing this with my men friends – AGAIN!! They are listening and I've gotten feedback – we're all in our 50's and trying to find love again and I love them enough to 'send the very best' information on relationships!! Love is easy, its the relationship that's tricky!! Thanks for sharing some very personal details in your relationship and congratulations – many happy years together!!