Doug Zimmerman

Doug Zimmerman

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When Life Blows Up on Every Level.

When Life Blows Up.

15 years ago, mine did, and I survived.

I make it a rule to never take advice from someone who hasn’t been there, so I’ll share with you what happened, and then I’ll share how I got through my own personal tunnel of hell.

In a 30-day period I lost it all: money, love, health, a baby, beloved pets, security, and pride.

In a nutshell, my life blew up.

My fiancé at the time ended our relationship while I held the still dripping, positive pregnancy pee stick; his response to having a baby with me was to end our relationship and share that he hoped to tile his kitchen and travel that summer.

I miscarried at 9 weeks and suffered an extreme crash of hormones.  Being in my early 40’s, I realized this was probably my last chance to have a child.

To make matters worse, 48 hours later, I learned my bank accounts had been emptied.  I had 40 cents in my pocket when I stood at a blinking ATM on that early July morning.

Seems someone had sued me out-of-state and due to a loophole in the serving process, I never received notice, and didn’t show up to defend myself.  When you don’t show up it’s as though you’re admitting guilt and judgements are issued – every account at that time were emptied.

A week later, I was faced with putting my 16-year-old pet down, only to be followed by the rapid decline of my other 15-year-old pet 10 days later.  If you’re like me pets are family. This was a loss beyond words.

My health was shot and continuing to decline, my mind was a mess, my heart broken and I had 40 cents to my name.  My father died years ago, and I had been the one helping my mother financially.

A few years earlier, I was at the top of my career, working in sales for well-known highly lucrative medical device companies. I had my life together, was the sunny, successful friend to many, and in my mind, going places.

I was now, in my own words, lost.

Ancient cultures understood the dark night of the soul as a time of transformation.  A time when personal strengths are tested and the knowledge you’ve gained over the 1st half of your life is drawn up from the depths of your being and utilized.

In this culture, when life blows up, it’s considered a Mid Life crisis.  We get face lifts and sports cars. Couples run screaming from others divorcing, neighbors turn a blind eye as neighbors go into foreclosure, and fair weather friends back away quickly.

Instead of community support and wise elders to lean on, we’re left alone isolated by shame.  What could be viewed as a phoenix rising is considered contagious drama.

For me, only a handful of people knew what was happening while most thought I was suddenly nuts.  In the past I’d been the person others leaned on for advice and financial help.  Now I was an empty vessel without a financially secure family for support. I looked like hell and felt worse.

When I woke in the morning, I wasn’t sure what to mourn- the relationship or the baby?  My 2 pets or my financial security?  My health or the fact I could be homeless in a week? (my biggest fear in life, now at this time a reality)

The grip of your biggest fear in the face of utter despair is a cold sharp knife that cuts deeply.

But there were lessons gained.

I learned:

  • If you’ve always been the strong one other people lean on, there’s a lot of growth when you ask for help.  I learned who my real friends were, and I learned I was lovable even when I wasn’t perfect.  Had it gotten to the point of my moving in with family or friends, I know now, there would have been growth.
  • The thought of selling everything and starting over was in a tiny way freeing.  I realized nothing material mattered. My only fear was losing my remaining 2 pets if I had to couch surf.
  • Because I tried to hide my pain by going to dinner with friends pretending I wasn’t hungry (since I had no money to spend) I learned who truly cared and who was in tune with my subtle changes.  Luckily for me, a friend handed me a small amount of money unsolicited to get by while I got my head on straight. Her generosity helped me understand the phrase “While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person”.
  • In business, I’m required to be clear and strong.  You can’t be broken and effective at the same time, so I learned to fake it until you make it. By faking my strength, even my smile, I slowly felt both again.
  • I witnessed the miracles of the universe.  When life blows up, suddenly those cereal boxes and toothpaste samples coming free in the Sunday paper were valuable.  With the help of my friend, I was able to cover my mortgage long enough to start billing in my business even though extras weren’t an option.  Gone were the monthly hair salon trips, extras like cable, manicures, and dog treats.
  • I realized how wasteful I had been with food, clothing, and coffee shop stops. I rode my bike a lot that summer without gas money and reasoned with my car loan and insurance agents for reduced monthly payments while witnessing the kindness that comes when we admit defeat.

What I did:

  • Each morning I forced myself to think of 3 things to be grateful for before letting my feet hit the carpet.  If I didn’t do this, I would begin my day in the depressed way I had ended the day before.  Soon I began doing this before bed and found that nights got easier.
  • When the magnitude of my situation would hit mid-day and anxiety took over, I forced myself to get outside, go for a walk and notice something beautiful.  When life is bleak, even the smallest gifts like the song of a bird or color of the sky can jar you up a notch.
  • I listened to or read something inspirational daily.  I couldn’t control the world around me, but I could control my inner emotions.  Yes, I cried a lot, but I balanced those moments with what I was grateful for and kept moving towards what I wanted- stability again.
  • If I felt desperate and scared, I would imagine my worst-case scenario:  I would loan my dog and cat to people I trusted and couch surf, I would go on antidepressants, I would ask a friend if I could share dinner with them.  Once I knew my worst case scenario, I was able to relax a tiny bit and focus on what I was grateful for- often times the worst case scenario back up plan or the fact my dog was laying there next to me loving me no matter what.

When life blows up there’s a crystal clarity that comes:

  • All of the issues you’ve been hiding behind with your job or your money or your relationship are out there in the open.
  • In the middle of the night, I learned to pray for help and learned to listen for the answer.

And in the end, most of all I learned that when we’re broken, we’re really just broken open.

I became the fertile seed sitting in the dark, damp earth waiting for spring to arrive while deciding in which direction to send up a sprout.  When life unravels, we all become that seed needing to trust the darkness we temporarily find ourselves in, because eventually, we’re moved towards our next fertile direction in life.

I promise, this too will pass. Don’t give up.

If you know someone going through a hard time, please share this.

Image: sandara.

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